Below are the most recent 6 friends' journal entries.

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
disorderly_mind	11:50a	Ever-Changing Me Two and a half months ago I got a new job. Two weeks ago I got a raise. On Saturday I moved to a new apartment. Next month I'm buying a new (to me) car. My dream car since I was in high school, in fact -- a Jeep Cherokee. What else am I going to change? Edit: Oh, and I'm saving up for a Droid. Zomg. Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
muse	9:03p	last week There are times, awkwardly fumbling, that we offend or hurt others. The mirror is our eyes. There are other times, when other people, also awkwardly fumbling, hurt us. This is a part of being brave enough to feel and express emotions. Some would say that it's connected to what makes us truly human. Humanity carries with it all the weight of individuality and the freedom of expression. Seizing that honesty comes with the price of potential pain. If I know anything of myself, it's that I do not operate with the intent to harm or otherwise injure other people. I try not to assume others mean harm when they hurt me. I've learned so much in living in this city. My view of the world has both gotten wider and also, shrunk. Living in one of the most racially divided and physically violent cities in the United States has enabled me to think and rethink many of my views. I can understand why stereotypes exist, and am also grateful for the people who press beyond those. There's so much that's truly ugly here, so much of the darker side of humankind--from cop-shootings to a high murder rate to the forced sex-trafficking of illegals in Chinatown. Sometimes, I ride the bus and am the only person offering her seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman. A few weeks ago, I saw a motorist hit a bicyclist and speed away; last week, someone critically injured eight-year-old twins, same situation. I'm seeing more than I might have ever seen before, even as I feel oppressed and small and insignificant. Maybe it was good for me to escape the naive bubble I lived in at Arcosanti. I'm starting to feel that the world is not a place of good intentions, which breaks my heart. If you meet someone who possesses true honour, cling to that person and shine forth the beacon of your own light upon him or her. It's really rarer than one thinks. It's not that I've grown cynical, it's just that I've seen and experienced more that's truly hurt my heart and soul here. I never wanted to view the world this way, and I know that I cannot and will not go back. I must press forward and tend to my own light. I must recognise the light in others, and be brave enough to stand tall even when I feel defeated and tired. I came to Philadelphia for love, and while this city is not filled with the brotherly love it purports, it taught me how to love truer and gentler than I ever have. The last two weeks have been so fucking rough. Last Monday, a man entered the store wanting cash back without a receipt. When my associate gently told him our policy, he became verbally abusive, even using curse words and threats. I asked him to leave and he proceeded to verbally batter me. I repeated my demand that he leave and called security. He left only to return a half-hour later with his hand in his coat. "I'm back, bitch," he announced and proceeded to lay into me with a security guard standing there idly. The man claimed we were racially profiling him. When I emphatically told him that we weren't and that the policy would remain no matter his skin colour, age, or gender, he became more furious. He pretended to shoot me and kept staring me down and yelling "Bang bang." With his hand in his coat and his associates wearing street tattoos, I thought he might. I had that flash that one gets before something dangerous happens. He smashed things around. People cleared the store in a panic. Finally, the security guard requested he leave--after I told him to do so. As the man was leaving, he pointed the faux guns of his fingers at me and yelled, "Now, I'm gonna fuck up your life. I'm going to call your company every day about you." We called the police, our company, and the head of security. Then, we had to call the police again because he and his friends were calling the store repeatedly, asking when we closed and when we were leaving. Friday, I got word that he'd called the consumer complaint line to report a grievance. He claimed I called him racial names like mixed, which is ironic because that's how I identify, and the man had beautiful dark skin and didn't appear racially mixed in any way. Besides, who cares if he was? I certainly didn't. The company backed my associate and me. He didn't like it, and called the store on Tuesday to say, "Bitch. It ain't over yet. I'm comin' for you!" and other charming things. Wednesday, he showed up, and security chased him out. Each time, we keep calling the police to add this to the report. We have two different names for him and a phone number, but nothing. When he told me he was after me, I could see in his eyes it was not an idle threat. I'm very good at knowing what is and is not a true threat. I am told to keep calling the police and that they can't do anything unless they see him near me. Friday, his two friends--who were present during all of this--came in ostensibly to shop. I think they were taking the temperature of the store. Security swarmed the store, and the friends called the suspect, laughing, and taking camera-phone pictures. I don't feel safe. I feel completely threatened, and for the first time I'm being threatened by a total stranger, and I don't understand why. Those of you who know my past know that it's been a good ten years since I almost lost my life due to an abusive partner. I know this stuff already; I don't need reminders that this System is inherently flawed and further victimises victims with the hoops we have to jump through to get someone arrested. I'm fucking angry that I'm a victim in this because I never thought I'd be one again, yet I'm having panic attacks, looking over my shoulder, and thinking that this might not be a good city for me. All I know is it's hurting me and causing me to look at the world in an even different way, and I'm not sure that it's a good thing. There are times, too, that others hurt us, and all we can do is make ourselves safe and trust that it'll all be okay. I don't know that it will be, though. I just know that I feel very scared and very alone and it hasn't faded for me. Shaun has been amazing and supportive, but just because he is those things doesn't mean he should have to be those things. I've got to get it together before I fall apart. I've overcome too much to be feeling this way. I just can't stop myself from feeling this scared or shake the feeling that this man is going to seriously injure or kill me. (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
disorderly_mind	11:28a	This just sucks. I'm so out of sorts today. I'm more productive than I was yesterday, but I really don't want to be here physically or mentally. I'd rather be staring at sea creatures while a marine biologist tells me about them. How fucking weird is that? I have got to banish this from my mind. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
disorderly_mind	2:30p	I'm turning into a miniature drama llama. The wedding was absolutely amazing. The groom is always handsome and the bride looked stunning. And eating at a family-style Italian restaurant was perfect because it was the right mix of quasi-formal and celebratory. Of course, the highlight for me was being book-ended by two attractive nerds -- Sean and Arjay. Things with Sean went well, though not as well as I'd hoped. He came straight to me and stayed next to me the entire night. More importantly he actually talked to me. Major improvement. His body language, his attention and some of his words, or lack thereof, said it all, but nothing happened. He hung out with R, DJ and I at their apartment for a few hours, but still nothing happened, just a brief touch to my hair and a few "accidentally" touches. Of course, none of this rivals the few sparks of jealousy I saw flying when Arjay joined our table. We had one of those huge curving booths that can seat eight. I sat tucked into a corner with Sean scooted in close-ish next to me. Next thing I know Arjay, who I know through the groom, came around the other side and slid in next to me. Sean immediately eyed him like he was an intruder. It didn't help that Arjay and I were trying to figure out when D and his bride met and our point of reference was the last time Arjay cooked dinner for us. Except he said, "I think they met the week after I went over to your place and cooked for you." Yeah, that earned another look from Sean. So did the fact that I obviously find Arjay to be exceedingly intelligent and funny, so I laugh at all his geeky jokes. Once Arjay asked to borrow my pen and I said it'd cost him. "I'll cook you dinner." Then he forgot his glasses when we were about to leave and I took them to him. "When do I owe you dinner?" I said I'd FB him and we'd talk. I woke up Saturday morning, checked my e-mail and found a friend request from him already. That made me smile and I'm pretty sure I turned red. This morning I checked my e-mail and found a message through FB from him about the upcoming movie Avatar as well as his number. Truth be told, I'm trying not to read too much into it. I like Arjay a lot and his very cuddly -- a fact I know because he hugged me after the wedding. As many issues as I have with human contact, I can actually envision resting against him while watching movies. That's pretty damn big for me. Oh, random fact: he's Polish, which I'm sure might amuse jefF. He works at Nove Southeastern University where he's also working on his doctorate in marine biology. He's one of those super-geeks, the sort that ask you bizarre questions and rattle off random facts at the drop of a hat. You either love him or hate him, and my cousins and I love him. Anyway, I'd like to see what happens with either one of them. DJ asked me to be honest and tell her which one I'd rather see right now and I actually had to say Arjay. I love Sean and I've loved him for years, but he really has to get his shit together and actually do something. Arjay's already made a few steps to at least be friends outside of our mutual associations. And, like I said, he's cuddly and he makes me laugh. And he's a little crazy. One of my favourite pictures of him is making ice cream with liquid nitrogen. Who wouldn't love to have dinner with someone like that? Current Mood: ..um.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 29th, 2009
disorderly_mind	12:35p	I'm melting! I'm melting! The AC in the clinic stopped working sometime around 3:30 pm yesterday. I had to send my staff home early today. Unfortunately, I have to stay to keep answering the phones and deal with any patients that come in. I don't want to run a clinic anymore! Current Mood: hot (Comment on this)
disorderly_mind	8:31a	Random Thoughts Tomorrow's the wedding and tomorrow I'm going to see Sean for the first time in a year. I've actually changed a lot, physically and otherwise, in that mere year. I wonder what he'll think. I don't worry or fret about it, but I do wonder. I'm calm after my initial freak-out, though the drama does continue. Apparently my cousin R isn't as oblivious as we thought. When DJ told him Sean's going to the wedding he just got this huge grin on his face. According to DJ he wants Sean and I together. Everyone wants Sean and I together -- except probably Sean. Anyone who reads this journal knows I don't date. I don't even interact well with humans. I haven't been able to sustain a relationship since high school, mostly because I haven't really tried. For a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I have commitment issues stemming from losing half my family and my fiance years ago. Plus I just have general relationship issues because I can't reconcile with the idea of spending more than a day, much less the rest of my life, with one person. And I'm just a plain admitted coward when it comes to dealing with personal issues. I love Sean and I want him in my life, but I don't think I'll be heartbroken if he just wants to stay life-long friends that grew up together. I'd probably be more freaked out if he doesn't want to just stay friends. I often marvel at people who can date and risk their hearts, but I don't envy them. Current Mood: distracted (Comment on this)